ALONE TIME

Last Saturday evening around 8:30pm we got a call at home from one of Bill’s sisters saying that our sister-in-law Sheila had passed away. This was the wife of Bill’s second oldest brother Allen. She had developed a brain tumor a few years back and this was the end of a long battle of her trying to keep control of her life. As the tumor grew and took over more of her brain, she found herself needing more and more help. She deeply resented not being able to do for herself and so was not a particularly good patient. So for me her passing was somewhat of a relief as she would no longer have to suffer or be in pain.

I should also mention this was the sister-in-law along with another sister of Bill’s who tried to make our life miserable because we were together. She and this other sister were the only ones out of the entire family who were not at Bill’s and my commitment ceremony (read wedding). She also stood in the way of me doing Bill’s Mom’s funeral even though that is what our Mom wanted. So again her passing was for us a relief, we know that she now knows the truth of our love.

Her feelings about homosexuality translated into great tension between Bill and her husband (Allen). So bad was the tension that at one point years ago at the funeral of Bill’s mom these two almost came to blows. While they kind of settled things…they did not keep in close contact except through other family members.

The weekend before I had been out of town doing my hobby, umpiring at a national ASA 18 and under slow pitch softball tournament in Columbus Georgia. I had been gone for 5 days and so this past weekend was to be spent trying to get caught up with chores, church and my husband. Then with that phone call everything changed.

First, just getting back into town…I could not turn around and go out of town again. My schedule between the church and umpiring was just too full. Second, I wasn’t all that excited about going to this particular funeral. Third, Cincinnati is a long drive when your vehicles are due for work in the shop. Further getting a flight on short notice was going to cost almost more money then major league baseball player makes. So you can imagine what it would cost for two.

Well Billy saw this as an opportunity to spend some time with the family and maybe even do a little renewing of a relationship with the widower. So there was just no doubt that he had to go. So I went to work on trying to get a flight. Long and short of it we got it done and put him on a jet this past Monday morning at 6:00am.

I got back to the house at about 6:20am, walked in the door and then WHAM!!!!!!!!!!! It hit me………I was alone in our house, ALONE.

Bill and I have been together for 25 plus years. Yes, I have traveled without him because of work mostly. Yet, neither one of us gave this much thought because Bill has always been a “homebody” and it was the best part of the trip coming home and finding him in my arms with a big smile, a huge kiss and in most cases some kind of great dessert to say he had missed me.

Even when we were separated for a short time a few years back, I never moved out and still saw him everyday.

So I have to tell you this was different…I walked in the dining room where there was a pair of his pants slung over a chair…but there was no one to bitch too about it. I walked into the kitchen…his kitchen, it is really his kitchen, I just pass through sometimes. Everything was ready to cook a meal but there was something missing…Bill

I went upstairs to go back to bed for a little more sleep, but the bed was suddenly just too big…no Bill draping himself over me and no 80 pound dogs, because they were at the front door waiting for “Daddy Bill” to come home.

I got up and went about my day…had to study for an umpire written test that night…but damn that wasn’t going well because I was not being interrupted ever 5 mins. or so with news of the neighborhood, gossip from Bill’s work or some ruling that Judge Judy had just made. There was no thundering from upstairs where Bill would be on his hands and knees playing the “pack leader” with the dogs…I was alone and not liking it one bit.

I got home that evening but there was no one there to tell that I thought I had aced the umpire test.

I sat down to watch my new favorite show “The Closer” but it was not nearly as interesting without Bill’s running commentary as to who actually did the crime. Then came my 2nd favorite show “Saving Grace”, but damn that was boring as I had no one to discuss the deep theological statements being made in the script. Nor was there anyone to discuss how hot some of those cowboys were and gee if were just young again.

I tried to get the dogs attention to play with them, but they were in the front room laying at the front door…watching, waiting, and looking for “Daddy Bill” to come home.

Now in our little world Bill normally comes home from work around 12:30am as he works second shift. Did I tell you we have a 15 year old Macaw who just thinks Bill is his Mother?

Well I had tried writing a blog but couldn’t stop wondering how things were going with Bill…I tried watching the news, but when I laid down on the couch I could smell him…his after shave, his hair…I could feel him rubbing my shoulders…I could see his deep brown eyes smiling at me, I could hear his soft voice telling me he loved me. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!!!! I can’t take this anymore I am going to bed…it is 12:30am

Have you ever heard a Macaw scream and work for attention? If not it sounds like someone is being murdered…it is loud and piercing and continual. I tried to give him some attention but he was having none of it…it was 12:30am and his mother was suppose to be there giving him peanuts. Then I remembered that when the lights go out he quiets down. So I went to that bed that was far too big and it started all over again, I could smell him, I could hear his laugh, I could feel him against me…the dogs, where are the dogs…oh yea at the front door waiting for “Daddy Bill” to come home. I am so alone.

Tuesday through today have been miserable…it is more then hot in Atlanta, the house is empty and I cannot get Bill out of my head. Last night I dreamed (I never dream of at least that I remember after waking up) of all the trips Bill and I have taken, my Mom was with us for some strange reason…humm… probably cause she likes him more then she likes me…but I woke up looking at the clock knowing that in a little over 12 hours I would be picking him up at the airport and I really started remembering how deeply I love him, how much I need him, remembering if it were not for him I would have left the ministry years ago…thinking how incredibly thankful I am to God for bringing this man into my life 25 years ago. Knowing beyond any doubt he is truly “the wind beneath my wings”!

Then I realized that Allen (Bill’s brother) was going through the exact same thing…his house was empty, in the kitchen were the tools where Shelia prepared their meals but nothing would be cooked this day, the laundry room had her cloths, the yard had her hand on the flowers that bloom in late summer, he can smell her on the pillow, he can see her smile as she plays with the grandkids, he can feel her holding him and telling him she loves him…he is alone, oh so alone.

My man, the one who has always been able to see into the soul of a person and know what to do to meet a need, saw and knew what his brother was going to be feeling and so he went to him to be with him.

He went to help Allen through his alone time, to remind him that despite everything, they are brothers, they are family. He went to hug him, hold him and remind him that he would always love him and to hold his hand in his time of great loss.

Billy is walking, talking proof of a loving God. He is so in touch with the Spirit of God that allows one to love unconditionally. He is so strong that he can see beyond the hurt sent his way and love anyway. This is the man I married, this is the man who chose to married me.

He chose to love me, to live with me in spite of me and to never give up on me even when I had given up on myself. Yes, I really am the luckiest man on the face of the earth. God has blessed me beyond all measure with this gift called Bill.

At 8:59pm tonight I am going to be busy telling the man I love how much I appreciate him, how much I need him and how much I love him. Yes, life in God is good!

Rev. Paul M. Turner

About Rev. Paul M. Turner

Founding and Senior Pastor of Gentle Spirit Christian Church, Rev. Paul M. Turner grew up in suburban Chicago and was ordained by the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches in 1989. He and his husband Bill have lived in metro Atlanta since 1994. He is the editor of the Seeds of Hope blog whose posts from 1999-2005 are at http://whosoever.org/seeds/ -- and which now resides at https://gentlespirit.org/topics/blog/seeds-of-hope/.

4 thoughts on “ALONE TIME”

  1. May she rest in peace, in that wonderful place where the Judgment rendered is that we find no judging, only the vast, unconditional love of God… may her beloved left behind find the strength to carry on. And I hope you and Daddy Bill had one heck of a wonderful reunion! The love permeating every word of that magnificent post gives me SO much hope, and warm fuzzies besides…. God bless you all!

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